Lost it and everything went black

Raised my hopes up and got rejected

My capabilities tested but the results were futile

Took deep breaths to allow the air to pass through my chest cavity

Chest so tight letting go of all hope

Wasted time and energy never regained

The nauseating watery mucus flowing into my lips


I’m not disgusting, I just lost!


Lost the key that can open many doors

Lost the value of my rationality

The veins on my forehead pumping hard

Making my eyes very red

Just because I had lost

Not just loss but demeaned

Reminded that it will not rain.



Pinched on my ribcage

Pumping slowly, weightily

As I take deep breaths

While the needle goes in

Trying to patch up what’s left of it

Sewing all holes on it

And I walk with my head held high

Boosting of confidence that is wrecked

Hiding the drainage it has experienced

Only if I could hold it in my hand

And show my acquaintances how fragile it is

How worn out and damaged it is


Then they will accept it without judgment

Then maybe it won’t be tormented




No! It is no okay

To feel this pain

To feel this helpless

To be so moody

It is really not okay

To carry so much with my shoulders

For my heart to be this heavy

To have to pretend that I’m not breaking

For stopping tears not to fall on my cheeks

NO! It is not okay

To wipe falling waters on my face

I want them to dry up on their own

I want to scream my lungs out in agony

I want to question the face of the earth

It will never be okay!

To please my ego because I don’t want the world to laugh

To please my family because they are all I have

To conform to conventional norms because it is my culture

To continue pretending to be strong for others

It can never be okay to live like this!


Like a teabag you dissolve into my soul

Like my fingernails you grow back, few days just after I cut them

Like my hair you keep on twisting, making a stronger dreadlock

Like a chewing gum you make a mess on my clothes


It is evident I can’t separate you from me!

Cutting you off is just a waste of time cause you going to grow back!

You withstand the harshness of the environment!

I can’t be angry at you because your face puts a smile on my face!


My mind is infested by our imagined lives together

Your voice soothes my soul I just fall asleep

You are the goddess I wish to worship

When I look at you I see heaven.



Every time I try to get closer

I’m pushed out like a snot

Like a saliva spitted on the ground

I slowly die, while people step on me

Others look at me in disgust

Others pass and don’t care

Obviously I mean little to those

Why would you degrade my image?

Into something so worthless and annoying

The silent treatments are unbearable

Like blisters on my toes with tight shoes


It’s easy to love so you’ll think

But I cannot love anyone else

You understand my soul

You hear my lamentation


You have the ability to put my nerves at rest!


Yet in the end you toss me away

You give me a cold shoulder

Knowing that I want a warm one

Why are you doing this to your precious thing?




Helpless is what I’ve become

My hands tied up in chains

Indignity is all over me

For the sake of loving


Yet my heart keep on longing

To be sanitized by the same love

That has taught me to trust no one

And be cautious of everything


Hoping to be accepted as I am

Imagining the sentiments of William Shakespeare

Trying hard to stop loving

Memories of what is love keep on pestering


Yet my whole being is tainted

Ashamed to be recognised

Then I am not ready

To be seen for who I am


~Mntazi Mtsweni~








Staring at the light bulb before I sleep

More confirmation that a small thing can make a difference

I see my keyboard and computer screen

I look up in the ceiling and see pure white

I look around I see all the furniture

I look thoroughly in the air I see mosquitos

Then I switch off the light bulb

And my vision is blurred

Then it clicks in my mind

I switched it on again

And it is clear

A light bulb, a small thing

Lights the room at night

It is so small I can hold it with my hand

The realization of what I’m holding in my hand

I’m holding it with my hand

The answer to my misfortunes

The torch to avoid obstacles as I walk

In the road called life

As small as it is, not a compass!

But a resilient sign

The birth of possibilities in my hand

Paving the road to my destination

Looking at it for a long time

My eyes gets tired

The light is blinding me

When I look around me everything is clear

The life of many possibilities

Such a small thing opening my prophecies

Whole being to react differently

Amazing how such a small thing holds

I see hope

I see targets

I see success

Light bulb yet you are fragile

One mistake I can destroy you

Shatter in pieces and turn into dangerous weapons

That will make me bleed

You are optimistic yet you can be fateful